Fear is someone who visits me in the night. Visits me when im waking. Fear comes before i do my gods work. Fear calls me while im praying. Fear interrupts me while im working. Dancing. Being with the ones i love. Fear wants to be invited and im too nice to tell him to go home. Im forever accomodating fears punk ass. I be letting him get drunk at the party. Fear fucks up the vibe. He dont have house training. Fears not really my friend but we go out together. He has my number. He parks in the back when he comes over.
Fear aint my master but hes applied for the position every year.
On a good day im still full on fear. Been fed on fear and got sick on fear.
But what lessons has he come to teach me?
and how will i remember him when hes gone?
we are never sure about death.
though death reveals us to our most self
we are never sure
could I ever make a friend out of death?
does death deserve to make a friend out of me?
my kind and still beating heart
could I hand it to her willingly?
could I bind myself to change before it binds itself to me?
could I ever get ahead of death?
meet her at the gate
welcome her into my home
don’t we all imagine lovers made out of deaths
as if we could gather the lost pieces and sew them back into a wholeness
or resile deaths stern ways from our practices
as if we could ever find our heart placed back together
death at each considerate/delicate seam
could we ever imagine
giving ourselves dutifully over?
could I ever guide my hand to match hers?
I know my death will come, and so with each day I carve out a small place for her
I grow flowers to harvest for my homecoming
I remember myself to be walking towards her company
I am humbled by this knowing
may each day be a dedication to my death, a letter home.
may every day be a celebration of this life, a regular survival.
Find my gods all together.
Find me satisfied with the self.
Satisfied with my being and those who come along with her.
May we all find ourselves stuck together with pride.
Find the recognition of self as strong
Find the strength, find the change.
Find everything in better shape than when you left.
And all the things changing
And all the things in your favor.
And all the things with god.
Find it and find it again.
Thank them for the gifts.
They come in earnest.
Look at your own richness
Admire your own clarity.
Allow your desires to align with your faith.
Your faith aligned with your practices.
Your practices with your own unique purpose.
Allow for spirit to come in.
Let it die! Let things die!
Let death come! Let death swallow you!
Better yet, swallow death!
Get full on it.
currently unshelving: the lifelong fear of my own thigh meat
burn my old repressions to the ground
let my skin darken by the light of their flames
i find my jealousy doesnt actually suit me
cannot squeeze up over these hips
no more sugar in the hood just sweetness
(sing to a tune of your choosing)
sugar kills my daddy and its ugly
candy in his sock drawer, ugly
cookies in the floorboards, ugly
ice cream in his sleep
and monsters in the morning
I pray every day, white sugar
please stop making my jaw weak
I know the choice is on me
and these holes in my head are ugly
teeth rotting my appetite, ugly
reminders that she comes to kill me
but shes so sweet
shes made a loyal fool out of me
Shes just so sweet
I dont know how she could do this to me
(repeat until death)
this hunch in my shoulders
is the motherfuckin’ devil
tryna make me ugly.
a reason to be alone:
Sweet lover. Bring with you a sense maker for my sadness
A recollection of my importance
Soothe me for I have been saving all my unsoothables
To be tended by a soft an innocent hand
Is that you sweet? My shelter?
because i am deep in my undoing,
unraveling my disdain for the self
i am awfully wet right now
i am soaked through my clothes
i am trudging through
because i am busy reversing all of my unloving
yes, rewinding my embarrassment
it is hard to make a full sentence
it is hard to focus on anything, be it still or moving
because i am knee deep in my own heart
i just cant come outside right now